her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
