I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
