I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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