i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
