I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
