I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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