I've blown a few things in my day
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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