i already hear my dad disowning me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
