I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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