i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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