Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
