I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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