You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
