she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
