well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
