i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
