Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
