I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
