i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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