We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
