Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
