I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
