Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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