Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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