Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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