you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
