When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
