just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
