today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
