im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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