I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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