he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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