I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
