he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
