Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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