just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Everyone says I win the strip club
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Pants are for mortals
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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