i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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