My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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