She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
