I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
