I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Umm I'm too high to move.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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