I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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