she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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