He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
