You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
