I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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