I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
