I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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