Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
