well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
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She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
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His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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