Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
