Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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