True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
