Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
