Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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