two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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