I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
