i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
