Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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