listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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